It is true that Thanksgiving is the time we are supposed to be focused on all of the things we are thankful for. There is no lack of things to be thankful for: healthy kids, a warm house, friends and family that care about us, but this Thanksgiving was different. Dare I say, "hard". The last time I saw my brother was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. November 27th, 2022. My parents had Christmas with Jeff and his girlfriend, at their place, and we had obligations with Matt's family. I spoke with Jeff briefly, on the phone, Christmas Eve when we were at my parent's and his younger daughter called. He texted me, "Happy Birthday" in January, and I texted him, "Happy Birthday" in February, but by the end of February, he was using again, and so then I didn't have a lot of communication with him after that. The next thing I knew, along came April ... and my brother was GONE!
It's been a hard year to say the least. Our immediate family didn't do much on Thanksgiving day, but we got together this past Friday, with my parents, Jeff's daughters, and his ex-wife. We spent a good portion of our Thanksgiving get together going through my brother's belongings to figure out who gets what and what gets donated. Not exactly a "fun" activity, but my mom was itching to get her porch cleared off, and Sara and I wanted to make sure the girls got what they wanted before things were given away.
It's moments like these that make it hard to feel thankful. I'm not thankful for a reason to go through my brother's belongings because he passed away. I'm not thankful that his 11 year old daughter can't even handle the topic of death without getting visibly uncomfortable. I'm not thankful for having to witness Jeff's 17 year old daughter tear up while going through her dad's things, because she misses him, and wishes things were different. So do I! I wish my brother was still here! I wish he had been able to get and stay sober! I wish that he had been joking around at the dinner table with us!
I guess one thing I am thankful for is that for the past several years, with my growing family, with Jeff's divorce, and my other brother often not able to make it home, things haven't looked the same every year. We haven't had traditional family get togethers for several years, so at least I can "kind of" pretend like everything is okay. Like Jeff just couldn't make it this year. He just had plans with his significant other's family. He isn't really ... gone. I know better, but sometimes you just have to "fake it until you make it." I'm not sure I will ever "make it" and get over Jeff's passing, but maybe I can just sometimes pretend he's not gone.
It's hard though ... to pretend. It catches up with you when you least expect it. Like tonight, when I was putting his daughters' school pictures in frames, and put them by the framed picture of Jeff and I at my wedding. It's hard ... he should be here for these things. For Thanksgiving. For his younger daughter's first year of Middle School. For his older daughter's Senior year of High School! For birthdays, and all the other holidays, and important events coming up! He SHOULD be here ... but he's not.
It's also been a doozy of a year with everything going on around our house too! As if dealing with my brother's death isn't enough, we've had so many trials with our house! I posted this cozy looking picture, because after it took about a week of repairs on our heating system, and SEVERAL days for our floor to finally heat up after the changes, we are finally warm in our house! We have no idea why it took so long for the floor to heat up. Our best guess is that it's late in the year, it's been consistently below freezing, and the concrete slab was likely just SO cold.
I'm hoping 2024 is a little bit better. Maybe, at least, easier anyway!
Until next time ...
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