It has been almost a half a year since I wrote anything! My brother's passing really took it out of me for a LONG time! I'm still struggling with his loss. I've never been so heartbroken in my life! If I'm being honest, I've really been struggling to write. I feel like I need to stick to the topic of Yurt living, but it's not really what's at the core of my thoughts and feelings. Honestly, the Yurt was our last ditch effort to help with my health issues, and get out of mold. It was also the only option we could afford in the way of building new. It was not our dream to live in a Yurt Home, and it hasn't been easy! There have been a lot of challenges, from the seams leaking, and having dripping in our hallway to the dome building up a lot of condensation in the Winter, and then when it melts, it drips right down into the middle of our living space. We finally have a loft that is now mine and my husbands "bedroom", but it is kneeling space at best. We are a bit crammed up there! When the wind blows hard, in the night, the sound of the canvas creaking keeps me awake, and it was sweltering HOT inside in the heat of the summer! I think we reached about 90 degrees INSIDE our yurts!
People often ask me if I like our new place, and although I think it is going to be a really great space, once we are finished, it is still a construction zone, and it has been HARD! There are a lot of things left undone, because we simply don't have time. These are the things that add to the stress of parenthood, and life in general, but these aren't the things that are really on my heart.
If I were writing about the things on my heart and mind, I would be writing about my children and how it was incredibly difficult to change course COMPLETELY and send them to public school instead of homeschooling this year, because I. JUST. NEEDED.
A. BREAK!!!! I miss my girls all day, every day, but I don't miss breaking up fights all day long! I know all day, every day Kindergarten is way too long for my 5 year old, but it's what they do nowadays. My almost 8 year old is displaying more and more signs of High Functioning Autism (Asperger's), and the process we have to go through with the school feels daunting. Moreover, finding a place to get her tested for a Medical diagnosis is very limited because of where we live. These are the things that are made even HARDER by the fact that we live in a yurt WAY out in the country! Getting the girls to school is a challenge, and the bus ride is early and long! So, we've worked out a driving schedule with a neighbor to split up dropping off and picking up the kids. That schedule doesn't come without challenges either! My car only fits 3 kids in the back, and so I can't bring my youngest along with me, and have to drop her off with the neighbor. It feels like everything comes with a challenge!
If I were writing about the things on my heart and mind, I would be writing about how hard it has been to lose my brother. How much I miss him, and wish we had still been close while he was alive. I'd be writing about how much I worry about his daughters, my nieces. I worry about them daily. I wonder how they are doing. I wish my brother had been able to get sober, so he could be the father they needed. I wish I had told my brother how much I loved and cared for him more often, and expressed my desire for him to get better. I wish I had been able to tell him I'm hard on him, not because I don't love him, but because I need him to be sober to be around my children, and be who his daughters needed him to be! I wish I had more time to focus on grieving properly, but motherhood gets in the way. October 2nd was six months without my brother and in some ways it feels harder. Both of his girls have now celebrated a birthday without him. His girlfriend started dating someone new only 3 months after he passed, which feels unfair. Why does she get a new boyfriend when I can't get a new brother? Why did I have to go out of my way to meet her at Lake Michigan, to spread some of his ashes (a 7 hour round trip drive) when she had already moved on with someone new, but hadn't told me!
These are the real life things that I'm struggling with. The things that are really on my heart. They aren't uncommon struggles. In fact, I'd say that most people deal with these same struggles in one form or another. What's made things harder is my struggle with my health. Feeling exhausted from my health issues, on top of feeling exhausted from the mentally draining days of motherhood and grief, seems to just exacerbate all the issues! Living in a yurt that is still a construction zone is stressful. Not being able to hire someone to help with all the work that needs to be done, because your husband isn't making enough money, is stressful. Not knowing if I'll be able to get in and out of my driveway this Winter is stressful. Hauling my kids to and from school, because we live too far out of town, and the bus ride is too long for my young kids to handle, is stressful. Not feeling like we can afford the healthier food to help manage my health issues is stressful. Not feeling like I have the time or energy to make healthier choices is stressful! Life feels really stressful right now, and I'm not exactly sure how to manage it.
What I want out of life isn't necessarily to be "living the yurt life". What I want out of life is to love on my babies, and do a good job at being their mama. I want my time with my children to be quality time and time well spent. I want to feel well enough to play with my children. I want to have the energy to provide our family with healthy food, by having a garden, and having the finances to provide the rest that I can't grow on my own. I want to have more animals and have the energy to care for them. I want sleep! I want peace in my home. I want to get along with my husband. I want a break sometimes, and I want to feel like i'm not wasting my days wanting!
These are the things I want to be writing about! These are the things on my heart! "Creating a life I can live with" is a real challenge, but I just keep trying, because I know no other way! I'll try to be here more often, and I hope you'll come along for the ride!
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